he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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