It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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