Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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