Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
