She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
