Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
