My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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