watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
