im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
