The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
