I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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