my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
