He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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