glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize