Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
