How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
