yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
