The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
