Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize