i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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