Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
