He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
