I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
