Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
