If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
a search helicopter?!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
