My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
