Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
