Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
