He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
