I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
