HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
