i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
