the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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