Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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