I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i love accidental penises.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
