when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
