rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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