My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
