I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
