Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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