I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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