I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
