i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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