The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
