We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
