Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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