So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
