You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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