My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
