I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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