is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
