Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
