KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
