Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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