It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
