Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
