How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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