If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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